I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
