the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
