Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
