im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize