not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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