i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
