I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
