The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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