When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize