On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My vagina is officially offended.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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