I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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