I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
