Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
