I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize