Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
it's like iHOP with fire
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
