Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
