I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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