you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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