So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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