just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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