to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
