i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
