Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
