One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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