Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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