there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
