Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
