Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
