now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
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