I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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