Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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