I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
as a side note pls kill me
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize