When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
