2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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