True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
