If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
