I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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