Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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