Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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