Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
