Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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