Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
