if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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