there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
