i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
