her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Someone came in the potted fern
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize