My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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