At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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