your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
