so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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