Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I wish I only lived at night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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