my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
