I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
