It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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