we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
