there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
nutella sex= disaster
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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