talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
