apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
