i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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