So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I wish there were birth control emojis
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
