Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
