had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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