You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
